Forgive us our trespasses.

01Dec08

fencescape1I’ve got two that I’ll cop to right now.

#1: I lied.

Not only did I not throw away that pack of cigarettes I’d been smoking in NYC, I smoked them all (about one per night) and then bought another pack.

Look, I was desperate. And if you’d passed me on the road just after I’d bought my smokes, you’d have suspected something was up.

Imagine: a woman all Nike-bedecked for an athletic afternoon run, traipsing down a country road…smoking a cigarette. Just a wee bit incongruous.

But I was in this anxious frame of mind as I hadn’t been able to get to an AA meeting and I knew the walk would do me good. I also just wanted that extra little bit of calm the ciggies seem to provide. (Along with a spoken Serenity Prayer — in between puffs, of course.) So I packed $10 into my sock and headed out.

#2: I trespassed. Literally.

See, B.’s house, where I’ve been hanging out with my daughters, my Dad & his German girlfriend, along with B.’s family (all 6 of ’em), sits on a lake out in the lovely Texas Hill Country. Getting there requires driving past lots of pastures and rolls of hay, all very picturesque this time of year.

During the past few days, I’ve had to leave our little oasis a few times, making short trips to get more Diet Coke or chicken stock or whatever. So I’ve used those opportunities to have a little meditative moment, aided by a Marlboro Light. Since I don’t want to get my car all smoked up, I’ve been stopping by the side of the road at various spots, and walking or resting there. Sometimes walking beyond barbed wire fences, into cow pastures, next to haystacks, etc.

Friday night, I stopped at a church, its driveway fence locked up. I climbed up over it and strolled around. Then I looked up at the lit marquee:

Don’t worry. God is in control.

I felt that my trespasses — at least these two — had been forgiven.

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2 Responses to “Forgive us our trespasses.”

  1. Yo ____ …. you doin’ ok?

    Came accross your post on a search for some AA dialogue. Sounds like you are bouncing around inside a bit.

    But…. looks like you have some perspective. Our disease wants to beat us up. I get that a lot. But my program and God as I understand him help me. Always.

    So do posting my thoughts and dialoguing with others. Like a meeting any time you need it.

    Sounds like you could use one. I never regretted one meeting I ever went to. No matter what my head was telling me before I got there. No matter how many times my head told me not to go and what a useless drag it would be. Frankly, that is the signal for me to get there even faster.

    Anyway…

    Stick with it… .sounds like some good things are happening.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

  2. Don’t beat yourself up about the smoking. One cigarette every now and again never hurt anybody.


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